Batty Blend (A Paramour Bay Cozy Paranormal Mystery Book 13) Read online

  Heidi disconnected before I could say anything else, but at least the other half of the reinforcements was on her back to town. I would worry about casting the memory spell later, because right now there more pressing matters.

  Taking a deep breath, I slipped back through the ivory-colored fairy beads and came face to face with Rye. The color in his face was still missing, and he looked as if he was going to be sick.

  “Please tell me that you didn’t use ancient magic,” Rye whispered, not wanting Beetle to overhear us. I smacked him on the chest for the second time today. He took offense, but he backed up his claim. “Well, you said you were considering it. And…it’s walking, talking, and laughing just over there.”

  I bet the grey Crayola does a lot more with her than that.

  Leo sat back on his haunches when both Rye and I leveled him two glares in warning.

  “Her name is Justine, and I was going to cast the spell when Mercury was in retrograde,” I explained, somewhat like when I’d rationalized myself that such a spell could be carried out during special times of the year without massive consequences. I was no doubt fooling myself, but I couldn’t turn down Ted’s plea to have someone by his side. I had also been going to rope my mother into it as well, but all’s well that ends well. “I’m not really going out on a limb by guessing Agnus had a lot to do with our walking, talking, laughing plastic golem.”

  You do have to wonder what the prehistoric crypt keeper wanted in exchange for the walking, talking, laughing redhead over there. Do you happen to know if Ted has a mushy grey soul that he could bargain with?

  “How do you put up with that on a daily basis?” Rye muttered in disbelief. He rubbed his forehead before deciding to cut and run. “I’m going to give Aunt Rowena a heads up on the new…addition…to the Marigold family. Don’t worry. I won’t breathe a word about the vampire infestation we apparently have. Just give me a call if you need assistance once this goes public.”

  The Wicked Witch of Windsor apparently didn’t teach him any manners. From my understanding, it’s the reason his familiar never comes around to the card games.

  “Raven, you did not tell me that Ted has met the love of his life,” Beetle exclaimed, waving his hand for me to come closer. The bell above the door chimed to let me know that Rye had indeed left me to my own devices. I had no choice but to force a smile and step forward. “She is darling. Just darling! She certainly does look familiar, though.”

  My BFF lives in a bubble, doesn’t he? Either that, or he’s been sneaking a taste of some of my blueberry edibles behind my back.

  Thankfully, the bell jingled again when a couple of tourists happened to walk in at the most opportune time. The diversion would allow me to speak with Ted and Justine without Beetle overhearing our awkward discussion.

  What could be awkward about having a discussion with a wax golem and a plastic golem while conducting business in your own shop on the main thoroughfare of town? Sweet angel of mercy, please tell me they can’t have Weeble Woobles!

  “Hello, hello!” Beetle called out, excusing himself as he wandered over to the older couple who was enjoying their day. “Fortunate for you that you came by at just the right time, I dare say. We’re having a sale to beat all sales, and…”

  “Isn’t she lovely, Miss Raven?” Ted asked with his endearing crooked smile. The crooked and chipped teeth didn’t distract from his happiness at all. He was practically glowing. “Justine, this is Miss Raven.”

  “Hello,” Justine greeted, her words coming out a bit stiff. Even so, she had the most beautiful red hair that I’d ever seen—on a mannequin or a human. I also had to wonder where she got the dusting of freckles on her cheeks. “How do you do?”

  Hey, I’ve heard about those mail order brides from Siberia. Maybe the waxhead here put in his order with the prehistoric crypt keeper. Not that it’s creepy or anything.

  Leo absentmindedly started humming the tune to Weeble Wobbles.

  I immediately realized that Justine had the same stilted speech as Ted. Leo and I had both wondered if maybe Nan had forgotten something in her incantation, but apparently all golems talked in the same distracting way.

  It made sense, really.

  They had been inanimate at one point.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Justine.” I smiled and shook her hand, amazed by how lifelike her skin was to the touch. “Um, I was wondering exactly what Ted has told you about—”

  “Ms. Agnus took care of everything,” Ted replied, still beaming as he stood ramrod straight in his usual posture.

  Weeble Wobbles, Weeble Wobbles, Don’t Fall Down…

  “Everything?” I asked, having really wanted to launch into a lecture about making deals with druids. I couldn’t bring myself to say a word when Ted looked happier than I’d ever seen him. “Ted, what did you promise Agnus in return for animating Justine?”

  I’d shuffled them toward the bay window where Leo couldn’t seem to get the seriousness of the situation as he still hummed away. As a matter of fact, he still had a few bluish-tinted morsels hanging from his crooked whiskers as he rolled his eyes.

  Couldn’t he see that the last thing we needed right now was to be indebted to a druid?

  Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. Why do you think I’m consuming as much of this delicious goodness as I can before that prehistoric crypt keeper comes for all our souls? Let’s face it. It’s mine that she actually wants. Who wouldn’t need a hero’s soul?

  “No promises were made, Miss Raven.”

  Oy vey. Here we go with the one hundred questions and the most obscure one-word answers. And I’m already out of edibles. I ate them all. You know, I just realized that they could make a reality show of our lives. Had I known that I was going to be subjected to this monotonous and torturous introduction to our sitcom, I would have saved some.

  “Then how did you get Agnus to agree to…” I moved my hand up and down in front of Justine when I came up with no narrative for what had transpired. A glance over my shoulder confirmed that Beetle was still busy with the customers. “Why would she help us without gaining some advantage?”

  You don’t think that the prehistoric crypt keeper is in cahoots with the visiting vampire, do you? That could lead to a comical twist.

  “Leo, you’re not helping,” I muttered, shifting to the side so that I could keep a closer eye on Beetle. How my mother had been able to keep him in the dark about the supernatural was beyond me, but it was definitely for the best. “Ted and Justine, just tell me that we aren’t going to suffer any horrific consequences that might have us meeting Ivan over an official visit.”

  I’m sure our local grim reaper would have said something at our last poker game. Then again, Ted did manage to win quite a few hands. Paybacks can be a—

  “Ms. Agnus didn’t give Justine life for just me,” Ted said with a furrowed brow.

  “I’m her companion, too,” Justine said with a bright smile.

  The blueberry edibles must still be having an effect, because two of them together just made this conversation go a bit faster. As much as I enjoy the mental antioxidants these particular treats give me, I probably should have eaten a couple of the garlic ones from home. Count Fangs-A-Lot never would have tried to drink my blood today if I had.

  Leo wasn’t wrong, and I could now breathe a little easier now that I understood exactly what had taken place.

  “Agnus wanted someone like you are to me, is that right?” I asked Ted, getting two nods from the couple in front of me. They really were cute together as they stood side by side holding hands. “Ted, you told her all about Justine, didn’t you? She also knows how invaluable you are to me, and she realized that having someone like you in her life would be helpful now that she’s older. And this way, the two of you have each other as well.”

  “That’s correct, Miss Raven.”

  “There are many things that Ted and I can do together,” Justine said excitedly, pausing long to give Leo a chance to misinterpret her meaning.r />
  For the love of all mental antioxidants, these innocent ears should not be subjected to hearing about a piece of wax and a plastic container canoodling in private! I’m putting my paw down, Raven! No Weeble Wobbles!

  “You know that’s not what she meant,” I whispered back to Leo, who had one paw over his right ear as he squeezed his eyes shut tight and started humming again. “Justine, I am delighted to meet you. And Ted, I know that you’ve waited a long time to have someone by your side. I truly wish that I’d had the power to conduct such a complicated spell myself, but I really needed Mercury in retrograde to be able to draw enough energy for a spell so strong. I’m both happy and relieved that this all worked out the way it did, because there was a really good chance that I wouldn’t have been able to do the incantation the same justice as Agnus.”

  The couple who’d stopped into the teashop had already picked out their sale items and was currently following Beetle to the check-out counter. I had just enough time to give Ted and Justine clear instructions on what was needed for our vampire escapade.

  I’m beginning to understand why that shaggy dog on that mystery cartoon always said “Ruh-roh”. Do we have time to go over the familiar/witch contract? There could very well be an asterisk next to the word “escapades” that eliminates my involvement in such matters entirely. By the way, I’m not available for Weeble sitting gigs.

  “Ted, we think we know who the visiting vampire is,” I revealed quietly, motioning the two of them into a huddle. “You probably aren’t aware of what happened this morning, but Janice rescued a hairy-legged vampire bat. She was going to put him up for adoption today, but he escaped from his enclosure. Long story short, he somehow ended up dropping onto Leo’s back, who subsequently panicked. He then managed to run through Mr. Jenkins’ petunias, but I don’t think that was a coincidence.”

  I don’t know that I would have used the word “panic”. I would call it self-preservation, Raven. Back to this contract issue…

  “What would you like us to do, Miss Raven?” Ted asked, still holding Justine’s hand.

  It was rare that he followed up with another sentence or question back to back, because he always needed the additional time to compose his thoughts. The residents just thought that he was articulate, which was a huge relief.

  Unfortunately, I was more worried about how Agnus would react if she discovered that Justine was helping Ted resolve supernatural issues that had nothing to do with the druid side of the equation.

  “Ms. Agnus said that you needed help today,” Justine replied with a smile.

  “Agnus said that…” I glared over at Leo, who was now using his right paw to leisurely remove the bits and pieces of the blueberry edibles off his crooked whiskers. “Leo, you did go and let Ted know that I needed to speak with him, right?”

  Granted, Ted couldn’t literally hear Leo. He usually got his point across, though.

  I might have gotten caught up in lunch. Then dessert. Oh, and I had to comb through each of my tufts to make sure that I wasn’t bitten or scratched by Count Fangs-A-Lot. For a brief second, I thought my incisor had gotten a tad bit sharper.

  “Ted and Justine, are you saying that Agnus knows all about the visiting vampire?”

  “Yes, but she wanted us to tell you something,” Justine said a nod.

  Leo and I waited for the message to be delivered, but both Ted and Justine kept staring at me with occasional blinks. It took me a moment to figure out they were waiting for me to tell them to continue.

  “Oh!” I wiggled my fingers to indicate that they should go ahead. Beetle was almost done ringing up the purchases for the couple. “What did Agnus want you to tell me?”

  “She knows about the visiting vampire,” Justine replied before looking up at Ted.

  “Ms. Agnus said minding one’s own business is sometimes necessary,” Ted tacked on, leaving me to really like the benefit of their being two golems. It certainly moved the conversation along…at a snail’s pace.

  The prehistoric crypt keeper didn’t want anything to do with this vampiric threat, Raven. We should take a page out of her book and leave well enough alone. If this visiting vampire wants to go out in a blaze of glory, I say bon voyage and C’est la vie…or death, in this case.

  A blaze of glory?

  All I could envision was a diversion gone wrong, and someone getting hurt this time around.

  “Ted and Justine, I need you to go with me and Leo to pay a visit to Mr. Jenkins. We’re going to tell him that Count Cuddles is somewhere on his property, and that we need to do a search. We’ll wait for Heidi, because she can figure out a way to get us inside his house to look for any visible evidence that he’s the vampire.”

  I was rather pleased with my plan. With all of us together, it would prevent Mr. Jenkins from reacting in a very negative manner…with his fangs out.

  It would also afford me time to offer a different solution to his problem.

  Do you know what that solution might be yet, because I’m not seeing where me accompanying the lot of you is beneficial in this particular situation. My time would be better utilized in conning Satan’s mini-feathered dragon to go search for Skippy. If I’m going to be taken out by Count Fangs-A-Lot, then my nemesis is coming with me into the afterlife.

  Leo’s nickname for the chickadee who’d taken up residence on top of the lamppost outside of the bakery was terrible, but yet so accurate. I didn’t have time to give a lecture on being nice, though.

  We had to go and visit a vampire.

  I knew I should have gone home and eaten my garlic edibles.

  Chapter Six

  “I want her hair,” Heidi murmured enviously, looking much better than she had when she’d left the teashop this morning. My hurried promise to help utilize a combination charm slash enchantment spell in a rather suspect way to encourage Jack to forget about the whole garlic powder, neck brace, and cross incident had done wonders for her mood. “Do you think Agnus would be willing to—”

  “No,” I stated firmly, not needing to be dabbling in any more complicated spells or finding us indebted to an elderly yet powerful village druid.

  Druids came in many different vestments. You had your Grey Druids, Forest Druids, and even your Mountain Druids. The most obscure druids of them all could be said to be the Village Druid. They tended to have both a face for the local populous that was intended to be seen as benign, yet it was always a good thing to remember that they had a darker more earthy face that reflected the brutality of their nature.

  Truthfully, it was simply best to keep one’s distance from them whenever possible.

  I respected Agnus’ position on minding her own business, but I couldn’t stand aside and do nothing while darkness loomed.

  “Besides, I love your blonde curls,” I said to Heidi sincerely.

  My features resembled every other Marigold descendant—long straight black hair, high cheekbones, emerald green eyes, and hips that I would rather do without.

  Heidi was the complete opposite.

  She had blonde curls cut into a fashionable bob and blue eyes that sparkled with mischief when she wasn’t worried about being drained of all her blood. Heidi also had a lean statuesque appearance, accentuated with appropriate feminine curves set off by an upbeat attitude when dealing with anything other than grim reapers and vampires.

  My soulmate is not only beautiful, but smart. Hey, ask her if she eats blueberries on a daily basis.

  “What’s the plan?” Heidi asked as we all stood out front of Mr. Jenkins’ residence. “I shoved some garlic in my purse as an emergency backup plan.”

  I’d been wondering if Heidi’s shower from last night hadn’t been able to wash off the rancid odor of all the garlic powder. Seeing her fingers wrapped tightly around the strap of her purse, it hit me that she wasn’t as overly confident about how this confrontation was going to play out as I’d thought.

  “You and I will go knock on his door while Ted and Justine go around back and search f
or Count Cuddles,” I said, having revised my plan six ways to Sunday.

  I’d originally thought sending Ted and Justine inside to talk to Mr. Jenkins might be the way to go. They were golems, so it was highly doubtful that a vampire would be able to do much damage.

  Unfortunately, we might be here all day by the time Ted and Justine got done explaining that we were looking for a hairy-legged vampire bat that had escaped the pet shop.

  “Leo, you’re going to do your blip thing and search the interior of the house while Heidi and I keep Mr. Jenkins occupied.”

  What if I don’t want to blip?

  “My brave, handsome tomcat,” Heidi murmured, leaning down and running her hand along Leo’s back until I could literally hear his purring over the sound of a passing car.

  Have I mentioned how much I love her lately? She’s better off without that oaf of a detective in her life. He suffered from a mortal inferiority complex, anyway. She needs more of a supernatural vibe.

  While we finished discussing the details, I took time to look around our surroundings. The sun was high in the lightly clouded sky, but it wasn’t too hot. The humidity was just right, and the mosquitos seemed to have finally vacated the area. I guess with a vampire in our midst, they didn’t like the competition.

  Heidi lived right down the street, so we’d waited for her there all the while scoping out Mr. Jenkins’ yard. Leo had pointed out a certain petunia bush that he’d dove head-first into out of what he called self-preservation, but not even a stem seemed to move to indicate that Count Cuddles was still inside.

  “Let’s do this,” I said with a bit of hesitation, wondering why the palm of my hand wasn’t tingling in the slightest. You’d think coming face to face with a vampire would have my senses on high alert. Then again, I’d been in Mr. Jenkins’ presence before without so much as a flicker of heat. “Ted and Justine, don’t forget to check all the petunia bushes.”

  “This is exciting, Ted,” Justine said as they began their search of the bushes out front.